Scariest Days

It has been more than a month passed after the shelter in place order was activated. It would be good if I could say it had been peaceful and dull days, but I couldn’t because I had been sick. TL; DR. Now I’m fine, and I don’t have any idea that it was COVID-19. One thing I can tell is that it was one of the scariest weeks of my life.

It was Mar. 21st evening - right after I had dinner - something was not usual. I felt some uneasiness and fever - it was 37.5c (99.5f). But the fever was gone after a few hours, so I looked over it. The next morning, I felt extreme fatigue and started suffering from diarrhea, and I felt my sense of smell is weaken - though not gone. The diarrhea is one of the relatively rare symptoms of COVID-19. But I shouldn’t be able to get a test because I didn’t have any core symptoms - no cough, fever, and shortness of breath. Frankly, the uneasiness itself was not significant (It was 5-6 of 10 (max)). But I was so washed out and couldn’t concentrate on works during the week.

However, the scariest thing was not coming from the sick itself. It was the Unknown - the sense of I didn’t know whether I was infected by it or not. Every morning I woke up and took a deep breath, found there was no pain, and relieved. But during the weeks, I was suffering from the agony that my symptoms might suddenly worsen and fall into critical status. The uncertainty is the biggest enemy of the days. I found that my blood pressure was almost 180/110, which I’d never seen over 135/90.

Time was the best remedy for it. The scariest moment was the first weekend, as from many stories, the sudden relapse usually happened after a week of light symptoms. After the weekend, and I felt I was getting better. Talking with a doctor through [Teladoc] was very helpful to me. Even information I already knew (I frantically read a bunch of stories and even medical papers about COVID-19), it was a great relief to hear that from a doctor. I started meditation with installing Calm, it also gave me peace in my mind.

I like the U.S. medical system. Though it is notorious for expensiveness and the lack of publicness, I can have a quality medical service if I have proper insurance - mostly the courtesy of my company. I could have an in-depth discussion about my health condition with my primary physician. However, in this public health crisis, good insurance hardly has any meaning. The hospital visit has been practically impossible. Luckily I haven’t had any dangerous situation, but there should be many who suffered even if they were millionaires. (I guess billionaires might have other options…)

We cannot live alone. In the global pandemic, we cannot live in health without others are healthy. We’re experiencing unprecedented days (at least for me). We’re watching not only heroic dedication and sacrifices but also ignorance, rage, and selfishness. But I believe we can always find a better (even if it is a small step) way to improve today. I hope I can see a better tomorrow.